Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ilovelife.now]

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long standing obsession - to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.


One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.


Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins as a
bribe".

Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity. When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...

[Roman city]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[oceanic]

Cup of Tea.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says to my dad,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet bowl?

[bakylotus]

FISHY STORY


An elderly fisherman wrote the following to
the catalogue company, 'Please send me one
of those gasoline engines for my boat in page
438 and if it is any good, I'll send you a check'.

In a short time he received the following reply,
'Please send check, if it is any good, we will
send engine'.

[birdie8819]

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

- Here honey, you use the remote.
- You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
- Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
- While I'm up, can I get you anything?
- Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
- Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
- Aww, forget Monday night football. Let's watch Melrose Place.
- Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
- We never talk anymore.


Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:

- What do you mean today's our anniversary?
- Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
- Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
- And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
- Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
- Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
- I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

[birdie8819]

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"

[ilovelife.now]

Once Tarzan undressed and all animals started laughing.

Tarzan asked them whats wrong?

They all replied in unison, "We’ve seen an animal witha a tail in the front for the first time!"

[Northwind]

Hmmm... wonder wat kind of bug it is ?

[ilovelife.now]

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked.

The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties.

She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!”

“That’s no ring! That’s my wristwatch.”

[easygoing3333]

Making him Vomit

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

[bonker1314]

up the thread. thanks to bros who contribute

[Roman city]

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked:" What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"
The husband said," No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"

The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page.

[bakylotus]

ARTISTS' CANVAS


I used to work in an art supply store. We sold
artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get
it in two widths, 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: 'Can you cut some canvas for me?'

Me: 'Certainly, what width?'

Customer: Confused and slightly annoyed,
'Scissors?'

[Playman]

POLITE WAY TO PEE

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?

Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?'

I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

[Playman]

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."