Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[dingdong11]

Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course.

The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

[dingdong11]

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other,

"Look John, that's the dummy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

[dingdong11]

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[dingdong11]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"

[dingdong11]

Here are the top five winning entries in this year's Wacky Warning Labels contest, sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."

On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."

[bigbirdbird]

A woman was out shopping one day with her son.

The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment.

For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.


Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

[bigbirdbird]

WOMEN AND SEX

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard.

Happy hunting.

[bigbirdbird]

I went to the doctor's office at my wife's request, and found that our new family doctor is a young female... She is drop-dead gorgeous!

After she introduced herself, she slowly said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional... I've seen it all before Now… Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll check it out?"

I said, "My wife thinks my pecker tastes like strawberries!"
:-)

[TGIFriday]

SYDNEY, Australia - A man who reached for a clove of garlic as a first line of defense against a traffic offense has breathed new life into arguments over what constitutes assault.
Local media reported yesterday that Jeff Pearce was convicted of assault in a Perth court after admitting he had deliberately chewed a clove of garlic and then breathed in a police officer's face after being pulled over for a traffic violation.
A section of the local criminal code defines assault as the direct or indirect application of force, including gas or odour, in such a manner as to cause personal discomfort.
Mr. Pearce testified in court that a friend told him the best way to repel police was to chew garlic and breath on them.
Mr. Pearce then kept a clove of garlic on the dashboard of his car for just such an occasion.
But when Mr. Pearce was pulled over by police for a smoking exhaust, the garlic did not prevent his arrest for drunk driving.
He was later charged with assaulting Const. Darren Horn, who told the court he had long endured such jibes as "a clove a day keeps the coppers away."
Reuters (from The Ottawa Citizen, April 19, 1997)

[TGIFriday]

This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining. The list of ingredients is as follows:
1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight.
8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them.
32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
3 gallons chicken stock.
salt, pepper, to taste.
Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.
Saute' the onions, carrots, and celery ina large pan, using some olive oil, until tender.
Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned. Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with pepper, salt and garlic to taste.
Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut. As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult to find an oven large enough to do the job. So you will have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kids wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local grouches garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done. This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively inclined diners.
P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories for such little beasties and they won't fall for the vodka trick twice in two years.

[TGIFriday]

A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look alike. The wife tells the husband that everytime he goes out he returns to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbors.
To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to remind him of his house.
So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered. Upon returning home he sees the lantern and says to himself "Theres my house and there's the lantern I put on the porch."
Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the door, "I knew it, this my house cause my key works."
Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes to his bedroom. Upon entering he exclaims, "I knew this was my house cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!"

[TGIFriday]

My fellow Armenians,
As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I
think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a
fresh, bipolar approach.
I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city,
and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans
have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need
ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes.
Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie
higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their
family on the table.
That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record
is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets in Laredo".
(Music break)
A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his
baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't
believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and
who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong,
black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we
are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.
(Zantac commercial)
I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but
it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to
offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our
nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara
Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a
lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work
to those they love, and especially to pass on.
Thanks, Mom and Dad.
(Applause; tears)
We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great
super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world
of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate.
We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: "I
do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do
believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must
never run our lives."
(Exxon commercial)
The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches
every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches
and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by
common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I
was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and
more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate
hearts to our preservative minds.
I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw
to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire
and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that
politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust
the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can
do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.
Thank you, and God help America.

[TGIFriday]

3 men are washed up on an island after being shipwrecked. The island is inhabited by natives and they don't like trespassers. So they are put on trial to see what their punishment is.
The tribe takes the first guy and ties him to a tree.
They ask him, "Would you rather have Bongo, or death?"
The man figures anything is better than death so he chooses bongo. 5 naked men come out of the forest and screw him up the ass.
They tie the second man to a tree and ask him, "Bongo or death?"
The second man still thinks it's better than death so he chooses Bongo. 20 men come out from the forest and screw the man up the ass.
Then they tie the third man to a tree and ask him, "Bongo or death?"
The man figures he would rather die then be screwed by whatever amount of men will come out of that forest, so he chooses death.
The native chief says, "Very well, you will die by... BONGO!"

[cloudprince]

Once, there was a man named Bubba who passed away due to a fire accident. Although the body was intact, the face was charred beyond recognition. As the deceased was a loner, he had no relatives to ID the body.

However although he was a loner, he was rich and had two close friends, Bob and Jim. Bob and Jim was thus called to try ID the deceased. When both went into the mortuary, they flipped the body and pried open the buttocks. Both took a look and shook their heads in unison, saying :"That's not Bubba".

The coronor asked them why are they so sure. Bob replied:"Bubba had two a$$holes". The coroner was shocked and told them it was impossible. Jim supported what Bob had said and told the coroner:"It's true. EVerytime we went out, people will start shouting. Here comes Bubba with the two a$$holes!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

National Condom Week?"

Lumberjack Condoms
For the woody that won't be cut down.

Sprout Condoms
Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms
For those flaccid moments when you just want a lift...

KFC Condoms
When you just need to :wing" it.

ASPCA Condoms
For that lil' pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms
When you know "what time it is!"

Lassie Condoms
When you know she's a bitch, but you're gonna do her anyway.

George W. Bush Condoms
When "Junior" wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms
When you're bored stiff.

Memory Condoms
When it's on the tip of your tongue.

Electrical Condoms
Cures the shorts in your pants!