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Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What''s the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did god say after creating man?

I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?

A man''s undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don''t mind their own business?

1. No mind.

2. No business.

Did you hear about the banker who''s a great lover?

He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?

They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant....

abortions would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation?

Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man''s view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?

"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did god create man?

Because a vibrator can''t mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn''t hump women''s legs at cocktail parties.