[bigbirdbird]

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snow blower coming.

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Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy


Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace, love, and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah


Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot before they had you, didn't they?
Santa




Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy


Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa





Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis


Dear Francis,
Nice name Francis. Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan


Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of your Dad's scotch.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?Your friend,
Thomas


Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we are awake like in the song?
Love,
Jessica


Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? You must be a blonde. Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy


Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky


Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa